If you’re looking for funny Ilona Andrews quotes you’ve come to the right place. Here at Inspiring Lizard we collect thought-provoking quotes from interesting people. And in this article we share a list of the 32 most funny quotes by Ilona Andrews. Let’s get inspired!
Ilona Andrews quotes about funny
Because he has the best equipment in the City and he knows how to use it!
— Ilona Andrews, Magic Bleeds
She crouched with her hand out. What the hell was she doing… “Here, kitty, kitty, kitty.” Oh my God, she was retarded and I was going to kill Jim.
— Ilona Andrews, Curran
Did those nice church ladies come by again?” He nodded. “I asked them if a man died and then the woman remarried, and then the three of them met in heaven, would it be a sin for them to have a threesome, since they were all married in God’s eye. And they decided they were late to be somewhere else.
— Ilona Andrews, Gunmetal Magic
You will not pass!” Roman thundered.Great. Now he had decided he was Gandalf.
— Ilona Andrews, Gunmetal Magic
Would you like to borrow a pair of my panties to wave around at the next Council meeting to get the point across?”His eyes flashed. “Got any to spare?” I could’ve picked somebody rational. But no, I had to fall in love with this arrogant idiot. Come to the Keep with me, be my princess. Mourn me when your crazy dad kills me. Yeah, right.
— Ilona Andrews, Magic Bleeds
Kate’s Speciality: Killing things, with much bloodshed. Talking trash, infuriating authority. Driving Beast Lord crazy.
— Ilona Andrews
She handed him a glass of water and two Aleve gelcaps. “They’re anti-inflammatories. They will dull the pain a little bit and keep down swelling and redness. Swallow the pills, don’t chew.”“Well, I thought I’d stick them into my nose and impersonate a walrus, but if you insist, I’ll swallow them.
— Ilona Andrews, On the Edge
When in doubt, poke the beehive with a stick to see if anything interesting flies out.I clapped my hands. ‘I had no idea Pit teams had such pretty cheerleaders. Can you do it again, but with more spirit this time?
— Ilona Andrews, Magic Strikes
Minutes passed by. A little blue butterfly landed on my nose. I blinked at it and it fluttered to my ear. A big yellow butterfly gently floated over and landed on my paw. Soon a whole swarm of them floated up and down around me, like a swirl of multicolored petals. It happened in my backyard, too, if the magic was strong enough. Butterflies were small and light, and very magic sensitive. For some reason I made them feel safe and they gravitated to me like iron shavings to a magnet. They ruined my ferocious badass image, but you’d have to be a complete beast to swat butterflies.If a baby deer frolicked out from between the buildings trying to cuddle up, I would roar. I wouldn’t bite it, but I would roar. I had my limits.
— Ilona Andrews, Hexed
He raised his hand in a peaceful gesture. “You need to relax a bit, dove. Like Mouse over there. You trust me, don’t you, Mouse?””Nope!””Ahhh, I’m hurt. Nobody likes me.
— Ilona Andrews, Magic Burns
Just stay close to us. If we get in trouble, we’ll kill everything.
— Ilona Andrews, Fate’s Edge
He had the prettiest hair she had ever seen on a man: dark brown, almost black, and soft like sable, it fell down to his shoulders. She wondered what he’d do if she threw some mud in it. Probably kill her.
— Ilona Andrews, Bayou Moon
Kid 1: *examining my gorgeous strawberry and blueberry pies*: Wow, Mom, your pies don’t look awful this time.Me (Ilona): …~A little later~Kid 2: *wandering into the kitchen*Kid 1: Hey, you’ve got to see these pies. *opening the stove*Kid 2: Wow. They are not ugly this time.Kid 1: I know, right?
— Ilona Andrews
You’re right, my problems are the biggest problems ever, ” George said. “No, honestly, it’s horrible to be me. I’m rich, talented, and I make girls cry.””How do you make girls cry, exactly?”George turned to her. His blue eyes widened. His lovely face took on a forlorn, deeply troubled expression. He leaned forward, and, in a theatrical whisper, said, “My past is tragic. I wouldn’t want to burden you with it. It’s a pain I must suffer alone. In the rain. In silence.
— Ilona Andrews, Fate’s Edge
Did I hurt you in the parking lot?””No, m’lady. I fell, so I could put a tracker on your car.”Great.
— Ilona Andrews, Fate’s Edge
At the door, Audrey called, “Are you coming?””No, just breathing hard, love.” He glanced at her and was rewarded by an outraged glare, followed by, “Oh, my God!
— Ilona Andrews, Fate’s Edge
This doesn’t mean you’re getting a discount.”Audrey heaved a mock sigh. “Oh well. I guess I’ll have to ply you with sexual favors, then.”Gnome choked on the soup. “I’m old enough to be your grandfather!”Audrey winked at him, gathering the empty bags. “But you’re not.
— Ilona Andrews, Fate’s Edge
That’s all right, ” she told him. “I can manage. I can sleep outside just fine.”Four pairs of eyes looked at her with a distinctly male skepticism.
— Ilona Andrews, Fate’s Edge
The only way to make sure that the Hand didn’t get to you would have been to kill your brother. I could’ve done it, but I didn’t. I just gave him some drugs.””You gave an addict in rehab drugs, and you want credit for it?””Of course it sounds bad when you put it that way.
— Ilona Andrews, Fate’s Edge
Audrey turned to him, a sly little spark hiding in her eyes. “THe only man who gets to call me’love’ would be waking up next to me after a very, very fun n
— Ilona Andrews, Fate’s Edge
And I meant to tell you: that was a one-in-a-thousand shot.”She raised her hand. “Don’t.””It was awesome, ” George confirmed. “It really was, ” Jack said. “His head exploded.
— Ilona Andrews, Fate’s Edge
Breaking into the house in the middle of the night just wasn’t his style. He did his best work in plain view, and, usually, his tongue was doing most
— Ilona Andrews, Fate’s Edge
A forest, ” William said, his expression distant. “Where the ground is dry soil and stone. Where tall trees grow and centuries of autumn carpet their roots. Where the wind smells of game and wildflowers.””Why, that was lovely, Lord Bill. Do you ever write poetry? Something for your blueblood lady?””No.””She doesn’t like poetry?””Leave it.”Hehe. “Oh, so you have a lady. How interes–
— Ilona Andrews, Bayou Moon
She put her hand on her hip. “Where are you going?””To the boat. You called me Lord Bill again. That means we’re cool.”Cerise slapped her forehead with the heel of her hand and followed him.
— Ilona Andrews, Bayou Moon
An evil spark flared in his eyes. “Trade: raccoon for some answers.
— Ilona Andrews, Fate’s Edge
How can it not exist? What does that—” A tiny grey body shot in front of the Land Rover. “Squirrel!”Mad Rogan swerved to the side, trying to avoid the suicidal beast. The SUV hit a curb and jumped. For a terrifying second, we almost flew, weightless. My heart leaped into my throat. The heavy vehicle landed back on the pavement with a thud. The squirrel leapt into the grass on the other side.I remembered to breathe. “Thank you for not killing the squirrel.”“You’re welcome, although now I want to go back and strangle it.
— Ilona Andrews, Burn for Me
He chuckled into my hair. My body decided this would be a fine moment to remember that his body was wrapped around mine and his body was muscular, hard, and hot, and my butt was pressed against his groin. Cuddled up by a dragon. No, thank you. Let me off this train.“If you keep wiggling, things might get uncomfortable, ” he said into my ear, his voice like a caress. “I’m doing my best, but thinking about baseball only takes you so far.
— Ilona Andrews, Burn for Me
Shit” Bug said, his face sour. “It’s that thing again. We’ve been dealing with it since Pierce. You think you have a lead and then poof” – he made a puffing motion with his fingers – “it melts into nothing and all you have is frustration and the far noise your face makes when you hit you desk with it.”Fart…. what?
— Ilona Andrews, White Hot
I squinted at her. “You’re an adult.” “You’re an adult too.” “But you’re an older adult. You’ve had more practice.” Mom leaned back and laughed.
— Ilona Andrews, White Hot
Her philosophy was, if it had a pulse, it could be killed. I didn’t really have a philosophy, but I could see how talking with the school director would be difficult for her. If he said something she didn’t like, chopping him to tiny pieces wouldn’t exactly help me get into the school.
— Ilona Andrews, Magic Tests
When she looked at him with those dark eyes, Nassar felt the urge to say something intelligent and deeply impressive. Unfortunately, nothing of the kind came to mind.
— Ilona Andrews, Grace of Small Magics
We have to stop anyway. I don’t want you to regret this later. And I don’t want your head to explode.””Really? You’re so good that my head would explode?”It took him a moment. His expression changed from intense to speculative. “It’s a possibility. I’m not a doctor, but Doolittle says it could happen.””That’s a lot of expectation to live up to.””I exceed expectations.”So modest, too.
— Ilona Andrews, Magic Shifts
Myths tend to spiral out of control. Do you howl at the full moon and steal maidens to devour?””Depends on the maiden, ” he said.Was he flirting with me? Devouring didn’t really go with flirting, but his tone of voice did. Was this how werewolves flirted? Hey, baby, if I had to kill any girl and eat her flesh, it would be you…clean sweep
— Ilona Andrews
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