Josh Stern quotes are thought-provoking, memorable and inspiring. From views on society and politics to thoughts on love and life, Josh Stern has a lot to say. In this list we present the 82 best Josh Stern quotes, in no particular order. Let yourself get inspired!
(And check out our page with Josh Stern quotes per category if you only want to read quotes from a certain category, such as funny, life, love, politics, and more).
Josh Stern quotes
When it comes to relationships, I find it best to have two feet out the door
— Josh Stern
If a picture paints a thousand words, then a naked picture paints a thousand words without any vowels….
— Josh Stern, And That’s Why I’m Single
The only way I’d ever die of a broken heart, is if I slammed into something really hard
— Josh Stern, And That’s Why I’m Single: What Good Is Having A Lucky Horseshoe Up Your Butt When The Horse Is Still Attached?
It’s not hard to fail…it’s hard to accept you failed…but once that’s out of the way, it’s pretty smooth sailing
— Josh Stern, And That’s Why I’m Single
Be nice to people on your way up, because you’ll land on them on your way down
— Josh Stern, And That’s Why I’m Single
Loving someone is sticking a pin through a voodoo doll and not hitting any vital organs
— Josh Stern, And That’s Why I’m Single: What Good Is Having A Lucky Horseshoe Up Your Butt When The Horse Is Still Attached?
If the love is not madness, then the sex is not insane
— Josh Stern, And That’s Why I’m Single: What Good Is Having A Lucky Horseshoe Up Your Butt When The Horse Is Still Attached?
Revenge is a dish best served in something microwaveable
— Josh Stern, And That’s Why I’m Single: What Good Is Having A Lucky Horseshoe Up Your Butt When The Horse Is Still Attached?
In order to butterfly kiss, does it require caterpillar lips?
— Josh Stern, And That’s Why I’m Single: What Good Is Having A Lucky Horseshoe Up Your Butt When The Horse Is Still Attached?
Y’know when your dog drags its butt across the carpet leaving a stain- It’s not as easy as it looks…”
— Josh Stern
Manners without sincerity, is called polite society
— Josh Stern, And That’s Why I’m Single: What Good Is Having A Lucky Horseshoe Up Your Butt When The Horse Is Still Attached?
Anyone can spin a victory, it’s a total loss that demands creativity
— Josh Stern, And That’s Why I’m Single: What Good Is Having A Lucky Horseshoe Up Your Butt When The Horse Is Still Attached?
Everyone comes with baggage, make sure you get one that comes with a rack
— Josh Stern, And That’s Why I’m Single: What Good Is Having A Lucky Horseshoe Up Your Butt When The Horse Is Still Attached?
If life is a bowl of cherries, what’s inside of it?
— Josh Stern, And That’s Why I’m Single: What Good Is Having A Lucky Horseshoe Up Your Butt When The Horse Is Still Attached?
Patience is learning to take a deep breath while you’re exhaling
— Josh Stern, And That’s Why I’m Single: What Good Is Having A Lucky Horseshoe Up Your Butt When The Horse Is Still Attached?
If you see the light at the end of the tunnel, you’re lookingthrough binoculars the wrongway
— Josh Stern, And That’s Why I’m Single: What Good Is Having A Lucky Horseshoe Up Your Butt When The Horse Is Still Attached?
It’s always darkest before you’re blinded by the light
— Josh Stern
Dr. Suess said: ‘Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened..’ I tell my dates: ‘Don’t cry because it happened, smile because it’s over
— Josh Stern, And That’s Why I’m Single
Friends might lose touch but never lose feelings
— Josh Stern, And That’s Why I’m Single
Y’know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations, like sitting on frozen peas after a vasectomy
— Josh Stern, And That’s Why I’m Single: What Good Is Having A Lucky Horseshoe Up Your Butt When The Horse Is Still Attached?
An alibi is one alliterative consonant short of being a magic carpet
— Josh Stern, And That’s Why I’m Single: What Good Is Having A Lucky Horseshoe Up Your Butt When The Horse Is Still Attached?
Target your random acts of kindness, to keep a tally of who owes what
— Josh Stern, And That’s Why I’m Single: What Good Is Having A Lucky Horseshoe Up Your Butt When The Horse Is Still Attached?
If you’re stuck in the past, you go forward in reverse
— Josh Stern, And That’s Why I’m Single: What Good Is Having A Lucky Horseshoe Up Your Butt When The Horse Is Still Attached?
At this point in my life, beaming confidence is largely a matter of mind over bladder control
— Josh Stern, And That’s Why I’m Single
Women, can’t live with them, can’t murder/suicide without them
— Josh Stern
The only threesome I’ve ever experienced is with Pantene 2 in 1
— Josh Stern
Never be paralyzed by fear, just by falling off a cliff
— Josh Stern, And That’s Why I’m Single: What Good Is Having A Lucky Horseshoe Up Your Butt When The Horse Is Still Attached?
Sure I eat my feelings, but I save the emotional roller coaster for dessert
— Josh Stern, And That’s Why I’m Single: What Good Is Having A Lucky Horseshoe Up Your Butt When The Horse Is Still Attached?
Never send a Man in to do a Donkey’s job
— Josh Stern
I hate pulling out… I mean, I’m really bad at the whole parking thing….
— Josh Stern, And That’s Why I’m Single
If you love somebody set them free- it also works equally well if you hate somebody
— Josh Stern
To err is human, to accept full responsibility is to just run with it
— Josh Stern, And That’s Why I’m Single: What Good Is Having A Lucky Horseshoe Up Your Butt When The Horse Is Still Attached?
Don’t ever mistake silence for ignorance, when it is obviously stupidity
— Josh Stern, And That’s Why I’m Single: What Good Is Having A Lucky Horseshoe Up Your Butt When The Horse Is Still Attached?
If bliss are a type of potato, then ignorance can be french-fried
— Josh Stern, And That’s Why I’m Single: What Good Is Having A Lucky Horseshoe Up Your Butt When The Horse Is Still Attached?
The true genius of a Woman is her subtle flair in creating the illusion that you are the smart one
— Josh Stern, And That’s Why I’m Single
Behind every successful man, is a Woman breathing through her mouth
— Josh Stern, And That’s Why I’m Single: What Good Is Having A Lucky Horseshoe Up Your Butt When The Horse Is Still Attached?
Only the good die young, the bad petite-mort
— Josh Stern, And That’s Why I’m Single: What Good Is Having A Lucky Horseshoe Up Your Butt When The Horse Is Still Attached?
Some people are so positive, that when they slip in dog poop, they pirouette
— Josh Stern, And That’s Why I’m Single: What Good Is Having A Lucky Horseshoe Up Your Butt When The Horse Is Still Attached?
Women need a reason to have sex, while men just need an angle
— Josh Stern, And That’s Why I’m Single
If America runs on Dunkin’, do I detect a slight limp?
— Josh Stern
Love is the canvas covering the furniture that you’ve become a part of
— Josh Stern, And That’s Why I’m Single: What Good Is Having A Lucky Horseshoe Up Your Butt When The Horse Is Still Attached?
I spread eggshells all over my room, so anyone who tries to get close when I sleep will know what they’re walking on
— Josh Stern, And That’s Why I’m Single: What Good Is Having A Lucky Horseshoe Up Your Butt When The Horse Is Still Attached?
positivity is the father of reinvention
— Josh Stern, And That’s Why I’m Single: What Good Is Having A Lucky Horseshoe Up Your Butt When The Horse Is Still Attached?
If positivity is not your mindset, then reset
— Josh Stern, And That’s Why I’m Single: What Good Is Having A Lucky Horseshoe Up Your Butt When The Horse Is Still Attached?
If you take things the wrong way, be aware of which end is up
— Josh Stern, And That’s Why I’m Single: What Good Is Having A Lucky Horseshoe Up Your Butt When The Horse Is Still Attached?
When she says ‘I’ve never done this before” she just means with you
— Josh Stern, And That’s Why I’m Single
Dating should really be more like furniture store commercials….I would love to’ pay no interest for 6 months
— Josh Stern, And That’s Why I’m Single
Does speed dating necessarily end up in a quickie divorce….?
— Josh Stern, And That’s Why I’m Single
Women are aroused by the strangest things, like a rock going through their bedroom window
— Josh Stern
If you don’t fall down now and again, it just means the training wheels are working
— Josh Stern, And That’s Why I’m Single: What Good Is Having A Lucky Horseshoe Up Your Butt When The Horse Is Still Attached?
There’s always someone we’d love to kill, the trick is to make it not look like an accident
— Josh Stern, And That’s Why I’m Single: What Good Is Having A Lucky Horseshoe Up Your Butt When The Horse Is Still Attached?
I like gross generalizations…I also like disgusting specifics!
— Josh Stern, And That’s Why I’m Single: What Good Is Having A Lucky Horseshoe Up Your Butt When The Horse Is Still Attached?
Those who forget history are doomed to repeat it in summer school
— Josh Stern
True ambition is trying to paint yourself out of a corner
— Josh Stern, And That’s Why I’m Single: What Good Is Having A Lucky Horseshoe Up Your Butt When The Horse Is Still Attached?
When it comes to exacting revenge, it gets harder and harder to top yourself each successive time
— Josh Stern
Maturity is when you no longer get the urge to make snow angels in mud season
— Josh Stern, And That’s Why I’m Single: What Good Is Having A Lucky Horseshoe Up Your Butt When The Horse Is Still Attached?
I started to enjoy the regal sport of cockfighting… but I’m still having trouble getting the hang of windmilling the bayonet
— Josh Stern, And That’s Why I’m Single
I always splash on the cologne before a blind date because dogs can smell fear
— Josh Stern
It’s one thing if your hobby is to put ships inside a bottle, but a deer in the headlights!… That’s a real talent
— Josh Stern, And That’s Why I’m Single
Life is a very brief candle especially when you burn it at both ends
— Josh Stern, And That’s Why I’m Single: What Good Is Having A Lucky Horseshoe Up Your Butt When The Horse Is Still Attached?
Blood is thicker than water, but they still use corn starch as a thickener on cooking shows
— Josh Stern, And That’s Why I’m Single: What Good Is Having A Lucky Horseshoe Up Your Butt When The Horse Is Still Attached?
Blood is thicker than water, and so is diarrhea
— Josh Stern, And That’s Why I’m Single: What Good Is Having A Lucky Horseshoe Up Your Butt When The Horse Is Still Attached?
Treat life as a suicide mission, take on the impossible jobs and attack with the gusto of someone who has nothing to lose…. and when you revel in victory, make like it’s a dirty win
— Josh Stern, And That’s Why I’m Single: What Good Is Having A Lucky Horseshoe Up Your Butt When The Horse Is Still Attached?
I love Shark Week, where all kids under 12 swim for free
— Josh Stern, And That’s Why I’m Single
When people try to rain on your parade, …pee on theirs
— Josh Stern, And That’s Why I’m Single: What Good Is Having A Lucky Horseshoe Up Your Butt When The Horse Is Still Attached?
When you’re out in the wilderness and get back to base camp only to discover sleeping bag turndown service….that’s no chocolate on the pillow
— Josh Stern, And That’s Why I’m Single
Come Hell or High Water” usually depends on the kind of plug you use in the bath tub
— Josh Stern, And That’s Why I’m Single
If you know how to open doors with just a smile, you must need your teeth capped every six months
— Josh Stern
If it’s the thought that counts, then ignorance must use a calculator
— Josh Stern, And That’s Why I’m Single
The only difference between me and a madman is that he has the certification
— Josh Stern, And That’s Why I’m Single
Don’t you wish we all lived in black light…. for one thing, it would mean an end to toothpaste as we know it
— Josh Stern, And That’s Why I’m Single
Some people drip wax on themselves like a human chianti bottle to see if they feel anything….but getting a wicker basket to fit them is a fiasco
— Josh Stern
I love shark week, all kids swim for free
— Josh Stern
You always miss 100% of the shots you don’t order
— Josh Stern, And That’s Why I’m Single: What Good Is Having A Lucky Horseshoe Up Your Butt When The Horse Is Still Attached?
it can’t be wrong, if it feels so wrong
— Josh Stern, And That’s Why I’m Single
the only drinking problem I’ve ever had, is figuring out why I’m still stuck in this salad spinner
— Josh Stern, And That’s Why I’m Single
I’d die for your sins, but I’d probably enjoy them first
— Josh Stern, And That’s Why I’m Single: What Good Is Having A Lucky Horseshoe Up Your Butt When The Horse Is Still Attached?
Don’t be so hard on yourself….that’s what a loofah’s for
— Josh Stern, And That’s Why I’m Single: What Good Is Having A Lucky Horseshoe Up Your Butt When The Horse Is Still Attached?
Date rape is just plain moronic when you consider how slutty figs are
— Josh Stern, And That’s Why I’m Single
It’s not that I’m ahead of my time, it’s more that the world is running late
— Josh Stern, And That’s Why I’m Single: What Good Is Having A Lucky Horseshoe Up Your Butt When The Horse Is Still Attached?
I’ve always been a poor sport and a sore loser…any other behavior might encourage a repeat performance
— Josh Stern, And That’s Why I’m Single
I try not to take things lying down, especially rectal thermometers
— Josh Stern, And That’s Why I’m Single: What Good Is Having A Lucky Horseshoe Up Your Butt When The Horse Is Still Attached?
It is amazing what you can accomplish if you do not care who gets the blame
— Josh Stern
English
Arabic
Chinese (Simplified)
Dutch
French
German
Italian
Portuguese
Russian
Spanish